I missed the memo that says men are God's gift...

I must have missed the memo...you know the memo that women get in bright pink letters labeled "GIRL" at birth? In these letters, there must have been lines in between that read, "Praise all men and your days will be fulfilling. Nurture their egos and you'll reap the benefits". Or maybe I read it in Sunday school at age nine when my female teacher asked me to recite out loud Ephisians 5, verse 22-23: "Women, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."

You see, not even when I witnessed women doing this, did it ever click to me that I should follow suit. Like an alien who just landed from Venus, I'm beginning to observe, wide-eyed and incredulous, the commitment women put into building the egos of this endangered species, the great creation of "our savior". "It is our duty," I hear mothers say about sons who they overfed with confidence, which later becomes arrogance. "He's a man, he should be raised to be the breadwinner."

Breadwinner? Hmm. Sounds familiar. Wasn't Adam given dominion over the earth? According to Genesis, I wouldn't be present on earth if it weren't for a rib taken from Adam. In fact, no one ever mentioned women giving birth to mankind until Eve allegedly fucked up (it had to be up, or else Cain and Able wouldn't have been born). Anyway, from birth men are raised to "have dominion". If they falter, it's beaten into them. Their scars serve as reminders that they always have to muscle their way through life. Isn't that what masculinity is all about? It's a category in which little boys are whipped into submission, broken into out of fear, remain branded out of pride.

So nearly three decade later I'm in my late twenties and noticed something very odd about my peers. I noticed that the men, more than the women, are constantly getting great critiques for their work. Not only that. I noticed that it's the men who get called on as exceptional, eagerly taking the compliments as if they expected it...As if it were their birthright to be lauded and fawned over. After all, what would become of an eagle with broken wings? In any setting, everyone leans in to hear what the men have to say, being careful not to break their fragile egos with nonchalance. If that happens, some women would spend time, like doting mothers, gently blowing parts bruised by criticisms. Because really, the socialized breadwinners are expected to be more cogent and astute, right? So this means that they are right all the time, right? And if they are right all the time, then this means that they are the ones to hire, promote, marry, fuck, and given significant raises, right? Their own mothers said so. There are God's gift. According to the New York Times article that I read this morning, in Afghanistan, a place where sons are highly valued, girls are dressed as boys by their mothers to spare the family of shame. Isn't that something?

And so what does this mean? Apparently the memo that I didn't get says it all. Maybe if I was a better student in Sunday school I would've aced this one. When I came out as a woman who loves women, I was accused of not being a "good Christian". Now I see where the discrepancy lies. For how could I not love a man "that way"? Aren't they supposed to be the ultimate trophies of every woman's life?

The message is even more clear on the bookshelves where I see more male authors than women authors; it's clear in religion, depicting men as leaders, faithful, and holy; it's clear in all the movies that cater to the fantasies of men; it's clear in the universities where there are more tenured male professors than female professors; it's clear in the way many women become complacent with this reality because noticing such inequality could deter their success in finding husbands (and oh, God (presumably a man) forbid what the mother in-laws would say if you dare criticize their precious sons).

So there. I'm lost. Someone fax me the memo real quick so that I can set my mind at ease and not feel like I'm being blasphemous. Actually, don't bother. Because I may have daughter one day and I would love for her to believe she can accomplish anything, even in male dominated fields. I may also have a son one day, and I will mold him to defy those debilitating expectations of masculinity.

Nicole © 2010

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