It's a good day!

New York City is covered today in snow looking like a white blanket spread over the ground, on roof tops and on trees. As cumbersome as it can be sometimes, I love snow. I love trudging through it with warm winter boots and hearing the soft ice crunch beneath my feet.

Someone saw me beaming and said she could tell that I was having a great day. Given that this was early in the day I responded with an exuberant, “So far so good!” Her brows furrowed a bit and she asked, “Why so far? Are you expecting the day to get worse?” I simply shrugged and told her that I say “so far” because it’s still too early to declare my day a success. Anything can happen to turn a good day into the exact opposite before it ends, right? But that was when I had to stop myself.

As I listened to myself speak I dreadfully realized that I’m a pessimist. It occurred to me, after all these years of describing myself as an optimist, that I’m nothing but a pessimist who lacks the ability to live in the moment. The fact that I end every statement of happiness with “I’m doing great, so far”, “I’m feeling wonderful, so far,” is not only disturbing to me, but to the people I interact with. Moreover, not only does my statement indicate pending doom, but it is a result of being raised in a very worrisome environment where the women in my family used to clutch their crucifix and pray with worry, fearing that they had no control over their lives; fearing that something bigger than themselves had the ability to dictate their destiny, rape them of their hope, beat them out of wanderlust desires to see the world, strip them of their courage to dare to dream or anticipate the outcome of their day.

Of course, I too believe in the existence of a higher being, but I also believe in taking control of my destiny and not living a life of fear, but one of faith. Doesn’t that sacred Bible teach this too? However, despite my defiance of such nonsensical superstition, I’ve subconsciously internalized the fear that paralyzed my mother and grandmother. Although I’m a free-spirit who have lived, loved and laughed fearlessly, I still harbor that careful sensibility by punctuating my declaration of happiness with “so far”—I’m only happy “so far”; and if “God’s willing”, only then can I stay that way.

Can you see the level of paranoia attached to these statements? It’s as if I’m waiting for doom to come, crouched like the pious old women I had seen waiting on their time of death, forgetting to enjoy the present moments life has given them, and believing that it can last. It’s as if they never thought of themselves as worthy of living, worthy of being free or entitled to claim life as their own. That statement “God’s willing” is proof of this, but I’d like to ask them: who is God? Isn’t she you and me?

Ironically, I didn’t start to question this until my friends, my partner, and other people with whom I’ve interacted look at me with concerned faces when they ask me how’s my day, and I say “It’s going good, so far.”

“Why are you so pessimistic about the day?” They’d ask.

At first I thought it was a cultural thing. Coming from a country where there’s a church on every street corner like foreboding artifacts seemingly marking our days, I bought into the fear that life as it is, is only temporary, something that has to be spoken about with caution, never forgetting to put God’s name first when making plans; only making passive statements and not a declaration of one’s current state of being, including happiness. For, happiness, like freedom during slavery can be taken from you at a moment’s notice.

That’s when I realize that something has got to change in the way I perceive my moments in life. I have to live in the moment, see it worthy of claiming and expressing my happiness without fearing that it will all be taken from me. Tragedies may happen to others, but that doesn’t mean that I should internalize it as my reality and live in such fear of it happening to me. I have faith in the supreme and trust that everything will be OK. I was put here to live, not fear. With that said, I can now honestly say that I’m having a wonderful day.

Nicole © 2011

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