Going fishing on Valentine's Day?

According to urban statistics, New York City is filled with more single people than a convent. So it’s no surprise that as Valentine’s Day approaches, my single friends are already dreading it like the plague. They look on, wide-eyed and hopeful at couples passing them by, wishing that they too were in a relationship. However, little do they know the work it takes in a relationship, the amount of time dedicated to it, the sacrifices, the pitfalls, the triumphs, and the love. Valentine’s day is only one day out of the year to show off, but what about the “nitty gritty” of a relationship that takes more than one day to work through?

After three years I’m still learning what being a partner entails. Truth be told, I thought I knew it all. I thought it was as easy as acing a calculus test after cramming the night before. Little did I know that like calculus, in order to ace this romantic test, I’d have to practice, practice, and practice. It becomes fun and exciting to arrive at epiphanies, those “AH-HA” moments with my partner as we work out our kinks with each other. We quickly realize that there is no such thing as a ready-made cake, even if all the ingredients were aligned in the stars. It takes a lot of work to bake that cake together before putting the cherry-flavored icing on top. Isn’t that what marriage is about too? You grow and you learn together as a couple?

As a couple we each came in with our own pasts, our own demons, and our own strengths. I found that the only way for a relationship to work is if we complement each other. This in itself is a very important component in any relationship. Why pair with anyone who is not capable of enabling your growth? Why consider a lifelong partnership with someone who is not able to complement your personality? For example, I’m an artist, a free spirit who somewhat lacks the ability to consider details if it has nothing to do with writing a well informed plot of a story; my partner on the other hand is a very practical go getter who moves heaven and earth to get things done her way. She pays attention to the fine prints that I may have overlooked and challenges me in ways I could never challenge myself.

Moreover, considering the unique traits that we each love about each other, which we happen to learn more about as we grow together, it’s hard to act on surface attractions. In other words, I can't imagine taking on someone else’s issues, which may be even worse than what I'd be giving up. In the movie “Why did I get married,” Tyler Perry calls this the “80/20 rule” where a person gives up what’s real for something perceived as real and ends up losing out.

I’m not saying that attractions to other people don’t occur, they do. We wouldn’t be human if it didn’t. But it’s how they are handled that becomes the critical part. It’s fun for couples to talk about crushes without feeling threatened. In fact, it spices up the relationship when one can joke about a crush or a former crush, and the other one commenting on how big the person’s head is. You begin to see how big the person’s head really is and you laugh together, tickled by imperfections that our blindfolds had us overlook.

This brings me to my next point: Fishing. Given that relationships can be revered when seen from the outside looking in, especially ours; it’s highly recommended to protect what’s inside. I’ve learned the hard way about dishing too much information to the wrong person. For instance, someone I knew started going fishing, constantly asking how’s my relationship, when is the wedding, how is my partner. AS IF! This is someone who I'm not even that close to. I’m sure she could care less about my partner and our relationship, yet constantly feels the need to ask.

One thing with living in Brooklyn is that you become surrounded by ghosts that resurrect within the incestuous scenes. I’m beginning to treasure privacy, taking pride in keeping what we have as sacred. Not everyone needs to know every struggle we have or every triumphs.

With that said, this blog is written more to inform those outsiders looking in on relationships thinking they’re a piece of cake. It’s not until you go fishing in your own lake that you realize that the success of catching the right fish is undoubtedly exhilarating; but cleaning it, seasoning it, and cooking it to your liking is hard work. Once this is done and you both begin to get fuller and fuller as you grow, the real challenge then becomes preventing others from going fishing on what you regard as sacred; but not holding back in telling them how far both of you have come.

Nicole © 2011

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