I had a conversation with a woman who said she wishes to please her parents and do everything they say til the day they die. My question to her was: "So you mean you're willing to sacrifice your happiness for theirs?"
Woman: "Yes."
Me: "But they already lived their lives, now it's your turn."Woman: Looks at me like I'm crazy and shrugs. "My happiness doesn't mean as much to me as much as it would hurt making them unhappy. I hope that makes sense."
Me: "No."
I walked away from this conversation with a terrible feeling inside my stomach. Indigestion? No. An odd sense of deja vu with the accompanying mix of anger and sympathy? Could be. I couldn't believe that some people are willing to sacrifice their happiness to remain as statues frozen on pedestals. One gentleman told me that he can't come out of the closet because he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. He shook his head, staring at the floor as if he was seeing the image of his mother's deep frown flash before him. I remembered a time when I had felt the same way until one day finally deciding that living a lie was eating me alive. The Bible says to honor our parents, however how much is one willing to give in order to be that perfect daughter or perfect son? Most importantly, does it hurt more to live a lie than to be rejected by loved ones?
People always tell me that they'll keep up the charade of model off-spring until their parents die, but every time someone utters this I think of them digging their own grave. In the lgbt community for example where many people are still not able to be who they are to their family, I witness them taking out their frustrations in other ways. I see coke addicts, drunks, pill poppers, abusers, cutters, over-eaters, dare-devils who already feel dead in the land of the living. Existing inside mental closets is like being buried alive. Some people have to self-medicate themselves in order to turn on the life switch that programs their minds to smile, laugh on cue, hug, cry, pretend with the opposite sex, be happy. They're nothing but mere zombies trying their hardest to please everyone but themselves. They say things like "I'll wait until my parents are no longer here to love freely," which leave them counting the minutes and hours, ignoring their own ticking clocks.
I witness this in individuals who are straight as well where people get married to the wrong person way too early because a parent is on the death bed and wants to see this marriage happen, or another parent thinks this marriage is supposed to happen and they rush to do so. I've seen people not marry the persons they love because they didn't get the blessings of a parent/grandparent. It's as if the umbilical cord is still tied around their necks, making them blue in the face with deference.
On the other hand, there are those people who choose to be open with who they are. Even the strongest among us sometimes crumble under this pressure. Given that words are the most powerful weapons, the minute a parent utters the words "You are dead to me," it causes an emotional domino effect, an ongoing mission of self-destruction as the subconscious adopts this as truth. But there are those who knew their worth way before anyone can tell them otherwise; and there are those who are quick to crumble with devastation. Yes, nothing hurts more than a parent saying "I'm very disappointed with you", but when you think about it and realize that you came into this world as an individual and not as the sixth finger on your mother or your father's right hand, you will begin to embrace the fact that this life is your life to live, the only life to live.
Parents, especially mothers, may talk about the sacrifices they made, but you can say to them listen, you appreciate everything that they had done but truth be told, you are your own person with your own needs and expectations of yourself. They may not like to hear this, in fact they may even stop talking to you for a while (my mother hadn't spoken to me for a good three months after I came out to her), but in the end they will realize that you're still a part of them and there's nothing they can do about that besides love you.
One day I will be a mother too, so as I'm writing this, I'm very careful not to say anything I'd later regret. However, I will end with this thought: Some mothers hire doulas for the physical birthing process of their babies, but what they really need, some of them, are life doulas---people who are there with them to constantly remind them to push and keep pushing; people who are there to continuously help them give birth to their children's ever evolving needs and growth, even if this growth isn't in the direction they expected. On a similar, but not so similar note, many people never remember what it's like to exit their mother's womb, but what we will remember forever as adults is the challenges, the emotional turmoil, the physical struggle in the form of sleepless nights and indigestion, the arguments, and finally, the triumph after breaking free again, exiting the mindset of living for others.
To be born again this way is the most liberating feeling.
Nicole © 2011
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